For the Happiness
by hippiechick2112
Summary: Death saw that Leslie "Dish" Scorch always held onto happiness as her anchor. It was a masking emotion. What Leslie was truly searching for was an antidote to a past and a war that she could not face. Story ten in the series "After My War".


**For the Happiness**

 **Note and Disclaimer: Haha, I still don't own _M*A*S*H_. Enjoy the next part!**

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Some people aren't meant to be living in a fantasy world. They prefer to grow and improve their lives. Then, there are some who take the tragedies of their life and search elsewhere for an emotion that they cannot understand.

Maybe it was best that Leslie "Dish" Scorch never really loved at all. Abandoned by her parents, abused by her brother and tormented by her peers…Leslie experienced the most negative side of life. She knew that it was wrong, but she did not find a real alternative.

So, she held onto some sort of happiness. She didn't have a true definition of it. She just thought that the opposite of what she was living was what happiness truly was. She grasped onto it throughout her childhood, when her parents dumped her with an elderly aunt in Chicago and moved to the other side of the country with her older brother, and continued the search.

Left to her devices, Leslie thought that whatever she had with her family was not what she wanted in life. She began to dream about some sort of future – a husband who adored her, several children and that white picket fence. This romantic reverie also included helping the sick and injured. That was why she became a nurse. That was part of her happiness, giving comfort to those in need. It kept her from picturing the past days of torment.

But it was also this career decision that brought Leslie to Korea. It wasn't long after graduation that she was drafted, trained and sent to an Army base. That was tough for her. She had not experienced such deep fear and desperation before. Forget that the people were so different from her! War was not something Leslie had grown up with.

She was brave, but it was only with distraction. She was constantly bored if the bombs and bullets did not make her scream. She eventually cast around for a bedfellow. While gossip and makeup with the girls always cheered her (even mocking the head nurse was always fun), Leslie grew into such a beauty that even many women were jealous. Doctors' heads turned and the enlisted personnel catcalled her at every opportunity. But none could match the happiness she craved until she met a man she thought would sweep her off of her feet.

There was that supposed happiness again. Love sparked and soon fell flat. Leslie was fascinated with Walter "Painless Pole" Waldowski after he tried committing suicide and was fooled by a sleeping pill. The two initially hit it off…until Leslie's eyes went elsewhere. She wanted that pleasure again. She wished for someone in power, a man strong and virile. Henry Blake was it.

Henry was a weak man. But he showed Leslie a new world and tried to exclude his wife and children from their picture. This realm was full of the loneliness. While the relationship was not ideal and she endured teasing for it, she still felt proud that someone was paying attention to her. She was the star. For once, somebody was her world. The war did not matter, just as long as she had that happiness to sustain her.

The affair lasted maybe a little more a year. By then, Henry was discharged and dead. Leslie was left alone, bereft. The invisible vultures made themselves known. She had made enemies when she was with Henry. The bubble of happiness popped and there was nothing to replace it. Nobody had moved in to console her. She had been a woman in love and that had been taken away in a blink of an eye.

Leslie had to contend with people that cared nothing for her except for her sins. She was relieved to be transferred away from the camp of nightmares. Her final duty station, the 121st Evac, allowed Leslie one last chance at happiness and a halfhearted one, at that. The colonel there fancied her and she took the bait, using him to make her tenure bearable. It was never the same though.

After her war, Leslie found that she was no longer the searcher she was in Korea. The thought of happiness evaded her. All the while, she missed Henry. Being home in Chicago was no solace. She found work and an apartment easily enough. But what drew her again and again was the graveside of Henry. Every six months or so, she would visit him and torment herself with memories of the past…when she was the most joyous.

Happiness was elusive. Leslie soon realized that she never understood it to begin with. She thought that it was supposed to remain inside of her, a spark that flared when she needed it. Now, she found it brief. It was like a death inside of her. The pieces had been chipped away, replaced with the childish, unacknowledged emotion. Leslie could not handle it.

I am Death though…and there is always a way to me. Leslie "Dish" Scorch never thought of me until her beloved was taken away in an instant. That reality woke her up and made her regret the choices she made to obtain happiness. For a feeling so desired, it left Leslie unsatisfied. She will forever be an empty shell and will wander for years. She will be eager to give up her ghost in the end.


End file.
